Dream Of A Pun-Free Turtle

Just yesterday I had an IM conversation with fellow opinionmaker James17930 where the idea of adding an “anticipated shit” area to the blog was raised, purely offhand. And then I wake up to this, as though the Lord had scheduled Comic-Con as a sign to me. I’d heard about this movie years ago, it’s gone through a variety of iterations, with John Woo apparently planning to direct at one point, but it started looking like it would actually happen early-mid last year. A CGI Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, with a fresh Comic-Con-timed teaser just released in shiny Quicktime.

Anytime there’s an adaptation in the works of something you’re particularly fond of, that delightful blend of trepidation and excitement takes shape, be it book-to-movie, comic-to-game, TV show-to-souvenir coaster set: you want it to be good, to do the original justice (if not improve upon it), but you have to admit that it’s probably gonna suck, because these things just tend to suck.

This teaser adds almost entirely to my “excitement” column. The city looks great: it’s got that Brown New York feel, with water towers on every second rooftop, and plenty of lights but not enough to defeat the darkness (which is, by the way, the domain of the ninja). The boys themselves are looking fit, as well; the way they bounce along those rooftops is pretty exciting, and almost frog-like (close enough for me), the way the camera speeds around and amongst them is the kind of stuff you can only get in full-CG, and it suggests we’re going to get some non-Disneyfied CG action, which has previously occurred far too rarely, if you ask me.

The part that’s got me worried is the faces: there’s something a little off about Leonardo’s closeups at the end — he’s suffering from the CG uglies that seem to plague even some of the largest grossers we’ve seen. I’m not sure if it’s the eyes — too far apart? Too dead? Or the mouth, perhaps — too wide and grimace-y? Whatever it is, we can hope for that to be remedied over the next 8 months, because as much as I want some ridiculous, wide-shot, massive rooftop battle sequences, a TMNT film that fulfills my dreams will not stiff us on the character aspect.

I know the only reason this is being made is because the Turtles were such a juggernaut moneymaker back in the day (my day, to be specific), but that doesn’t mean they’re automatically shallow — my love for these characters is not a nostalgia trip. I can admit that He-Man is pretty stupid and Garfield just ain’t funny, but in the Turtles I see real potential, suggested-but-not-achieved in even their best incarnations. They could be superheroes every bit as complex as Spider-Man, Batman, the X-Men: each of these classics saw their growing pains, none of them (arguably) finding their greatest stories until decades after their introduction. 22 years in, The Turtles could be currently trapped in their Adam West phase, tainted to disrespect or misunderstanding by pizza and puns on the word “shell,” waiting for their Frank Miller to pen a tale that’ll stun us. Not that I’m shitting on all their old stuff here — the late ’80s cartoon was indeed silly, but there were some classic games, the first movie was great (if compromised by a necessary kiddie slant), and as for the original Mirage comics, just a few months ago I spent more than a couple hundred dollars to bring my collection of them significantly closer to completion (thank you, www.mycomicshop.com).

As much as I would love writer-director Kevin Munroe to be TMNT’s Miller, I’m not gonna hold my breath on that one. If I had to place bets, I’d say Spider-Man 3 will be a better movie. But in an article on the TMNT Comic-Con panel at Ain’t It Cool News, the details revealed by Munroe are generally promising. As long as it’s decent, at least enough to keep the characters afloat until their promised one can find them, I’ll be more than happy. Of course, I won’t get to find out until the end of March. laebmada